Exercises from the Chinese Diaspora Emergency Survival Kit (issued to all Chinese minorities at birth)

A mob is coming to burn Chinatown.  What do you do?
a)      Put a sign on your door that says ‘local-owned business’, and pin a yellow patch to your clothing that says ‘local born.  Can’t even speak Chinese’.
b)      Be airlifted to safety by the Chinese government.
c)      Hide in your basement while the mob’s energy dissipates amongst your city’s five mini-Chinatowns, little Japan and Koreatown (because they can’t tell the difference).
d)      Go down in flames with your noodle shop, without uttering the merest whimper.
e)      Seek refugee status in New Zealand.

Answers:
If you answered a) you are disgrace to your race, and are probably dead by now anyway because it didn’t work. 
If you answered b) congratulations, but please return your Chinese Diaspora Emergency Survival Kit at the Chinese border. 
If you answered c) you live in Auckland, you lucky bastards. 
If you answered d) you have answered correctly by dying with honour.  Well done! 
If you answered e) you are reading this in detention at Auckland Central Remand Prison, and are likely to soon be deported.  Hopefully the riot will be over by then and you’ll be relieved to come home to where people hate you in more predictable ways.

The corrupt regime of your country of residence is showing signs of instability.  How will you realign the Chinese minority population to avoid post-coup retribution attacks and/or position your community to have the greatest post-coup influence?
a)      Throw in your lot with the Taiwanese diplomatic corps AND/OR the Mainland Chinese diplomatic corps.  No-one can tell the difference between them anyway.
b)      Pay off everyone handsomely.  If you pay off every political party, at least one of them will end up protecting you when the mob arrives. 
c)      Open a casino.  Everyone loves casinos! 
d)      Throw in your lot with the Western peacekeeping mission.  Everyone loves the Western peacekeeping mission!e)      Start stockpiling weapons.

Answers:
If you answered a) you have made a wise decision.  Affiliations with impressive foreign powers always earns local respect on the ground, and if not, the foreign powers are sure to protect you even if you are not one of their nationals simply by virtue of your common ethnicity.
If you answered b) you have made a wise decision.  Politicians who have been well paid never abandon their constituents.
If you answered c) you have made a wise decision.  Everyone loves casinos!
If you answered d) you have made a wise decision.  Increasing your power significantly through popular economic reforms being implemented by Western experts will only make your community and the Western experts even more beloved by the rest of the governed population.
If you answered e) can I come to your place when the mob arrives?

What are the long term solutions to the persecution of your community in your country of residence?
a)      Exploit your community’s connection with the People’s Republic of China to earn respect, fear, and positions of power.  China’s the Next Big Thing apparently.
b)      Attach your community to whatever group is likely to be ascendant for the longest time, be it a specific ethnic group, a political party, or a foreign occupying power.
c)      Make your food less spicy and more oily.
d)      Intermarry voraciously.  Apparently they love our ‘hot Asian chicks’, and your interracial children will be too pretty to be subjected to mob violence. 
e)      Support locally-controlled development goals that emphasise economic, social, political and racial equality, and involve your community in active work across ethnic groups to achieve those goals.

Answers:
If you answered a) or b) you have made a wise decision.  Aligning your community with the powerful is always a strong guarantee of safety, even in times of popular uprising,  political instability and regime collapse.  The strong may fall, but they like to keep their best chefs hidden in their safest bunkers.  And we’re the best chefs. 
If you answered c) you are a disgrace to your race, but such a measure will reduce future tendencies towards mob violence by contributing to obesity and inactivity in the rest of the population. 
If you answered d) you are a disgrace to your race, but the lengthy, self-indulgent performance-art and identity-journey documentaries likely to be produced by your mixed-race children’s generation will reduce further tendencies towards mob violence by contributing to fatigue, inactivity, and narcolepsy in the rest of the population. 
If you answered e) good luck.  You’ll need it.

END